I came across this poem accidentally, and I’m glad I did. I don’t know what makes a poem good, because like I said, I’m not an expert. I don’t normally cry over poems that describe something that I never felt, however, even though I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone unexpectedly, this poem made me cry. And this is why I’m sharing it. Enjoy:)
Bianca Phipps – ”Almosts”
I have never felt so at ease as the day you called me ‘precocious’
I have never feared big words,
Only those that refuse to use them
And the syllables rolled off your tongue like honey-
I was hooked.
Language became our vein of communication
And I know that everybody uses language to communicate,
But ours was different
As if in between the letters and the syllables
There’s a secret message only we could decipher.
My days were filled with the sound of your voice,
And your nights were littered with the loops of my handwriting
We exchanged our favourite words
Mine being ‘illuminated’
And yours being ‘cattywampus’
And our least favourites;
Mine, ‘moist’, and yours ‘almost’.
And when I asked you why,
You said it was because ‘almost’ held failed potential
That it represented our ability to be just not good enough
That we had come to the brink of something beautiful
But fell short so many times,
We crafted a word for it
But even we, with our supposed mastery of the English language,
We’re not immune to the shortcomings of our vocabularies
Words can only help you if you speak them.
I never told you that I loved you
You never told me that you were dying.
Five easy words that would have shattered our world,
‘I love you, I think’
‘I have a brain tumour’
You know, still to this day, I don’t know all the details
Because medical jargon has never fit right in my mouth.
And even now, five years later
It feels like an invasion of your privacy
But I do know
I have poured over our conversations
Searching for the secret message you certainly tried to send me
And I am sorry,
But I only almost found it.
Salt water is not good for paper
And my tears warped your words
After some serious consideration
I’ve decided to change my least favourite word
Because while ‘moist’ is gross,
‘Malignant’ is malicious
‘Malignant’ is uncontrollable
It means a phone call and the phrase
‘He didn’t wake up’
‘Malignant’ is messy and unfair and a thief
‘Malignant’ means I never got to say goodbye
‘Malignant’ is the cause of ‘almost’
Because you were on the brink of something beautiful
But you couldn’t quite reach it
And you fell too far
I am so sorry I wasn’t there to catch you.
I hope your heaven is a library
And I hope it is void of almosts.
Te amo Daniel, sleep well.
Watch Bianca Phipps perform ”Almosts” here: Bianca Phipps – Almosts
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